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How I overcame feeling powerless
Fuck. The internet isn’t working. It’s now 9:45 am and I’m only just beginning my work day and now I can’t get online.
I’ve already lost two hours because of unexpected family disruptions.
I feel the tears welling at the corners of my eyes. I have deadlines to make and commitments to fulfil and the kids interrupted my sleep again last night. My body is tense, tired, heavy. I tune in to notice the internal dialogue that’s bouncing off the walls of my mind.
This is NOT how I wanted the New Year to flow.
“Oh, you’re joking! Now no internet?! I don’t have time for this!” … Anger begins to rise in me and my inner victim steps forward gripping the steering wheel of my focus.
“Now my plan for the day has gone out the window! Why does it always happen the minute I get some momentum?!”
That right there.
I catch it by the tail just as the thought tries to weave its way deeper into my subconscious, manifesting as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’ve trained myself to become astute to noticing the shadows lurking within my mind.
Sometimes they provide good entertainment – the stories they tell can be quite elaborate and creative! But most times I find them to be outdated, self-sabotaging, no longer relevant to whom I choose to be in my life.
I take two full deep breaths then close down my weary eyes. My hand effortlessly floats up to meet my chest signalling to my nervous system that I am safe and that I’m choosing to go deeper than the presenting problem.
Palm against my heart centre, I rest here for a moment. It feels good to sit back into my own skin. Soft emotion rises as the intentional breath activates my full presence.
I take another slow and quiet inhale then exhale to myself a question from A Course In Miracles, taught to me by a great teacher of mine: Ricci Jane Adams.
“What if there was no problem?”.
The words escape my lips like butterflies on a gentle breeze – free and light.
Immediately the resistance dissipates.
The inner conflict between what I think should happen and what I actually need begins to dissolve.
No longer attached, a sort of separation forms between the inner chatter of my mind, and the activation of acceptance within my heart.
From this place, I know that my inner victim is not my truth nor my enemy. I know that my ego, my patterns of self-sabotage, my inner critic and my perceived flaws are simply parts of an old worn-out diatribe – still at play, but no longer in the driver’s seat of my life – informing choices and actions.
These aspects are simply the storytellers of my past and they wear all sorts of interesting persona’s. Each time they present I consider it an opportunity to lean in and listen to the invitation beneath the words.
They are messengers of the light cloaked often in the weight of disconnection – but they are not ME.
And as I witness with curiosity, the workings of the sacred terrain within, instead of being swept away by it, something truly miraculous happens.
I remember who I am.
Who I am beyond what’s being presented. Who I am beyond the noise, the roles, the plans, the disruptions.
And I begin to smile. With ease, a new thought, a new opportunity, blossoms like a fresh bud after a period of drenching rain.
The shine of my soul illuminates a new pathway in front of me, one I may not have noticed had I stayed stuck in resistance.
The simple act of dropping into my heart and allowing myself the time to integrate what I’m feeling softened the edges of my pain and redirected my focus to what’s true.
I didn’t try to do it.
There was no force.
There was no agenda.
I simply allowed myself to be exactly as I am and invited the messengers to reveal the opportunity at this moment.
It wasn’t always such a speedy transformation. I had to practice this art to become a master at it. But like anything worthwhile, the effort reaps great rewards.
We can spend countless hours in conflict with what life presents. Rejecting ourselves, our pasts, our problems, our pain.
Or we can meet our fears and challenges as they present, with heartfelt curiosity and intentional breath, allowing the magic of the lesson to be gracefully present when we are ready.
My wish for you, sacred spirit, as you read this collection of words … is that you will find the simple daily practice that calls you home – even for just a moment.
Every. Single. Day.
As you build upon this, the part of you that is real and true expands, until out of nowhere it becomes effortless to connect with and draw inspiration from.
May you know the essence of yourself so intimately that when the next challenge occurs, you have cultivated the ability to lean in with a full-bodied YES! And in doing so, awaken a new opportunity to see beyond the obstacles and create a glorious masterpiece with your life, regardless of what’s transpired.
Deepen into your intuitive self. Practice opening and softening when you feel the desire to shut off or close down. Trust yourself. Use your breath and let your untethered heart be your inner compass, for she will most certainly steer you in the direction of your dreams.
With so much love and compassion,
Kim Newing is a spiritual mentor, intuitive guide, mother, writer, student, lover of dance, rule breaker, and crystal enthusiast. She is also – amongst her other credentials – a professional Believer in Womanly Magic.
Not the type of magic that comes with a cape and wand though, more like the type of divine, instinctive magic that slumbers patiently within each of us, overflowing with potential and yearning to be awakened.