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As my life broke down around me, I had to make a choice: live in delusion or get Spiritually Fierce.
I began choosing my reality when the reality I was living was making me crazy.
I wasn’t coping with the life I had. I was an anxious wreck. Everything was overwhelming me, even the dishes. I could not walk into the kitchen without facing an imminent meltdown.
The overwhelm was so intense, I would overreact to whatever, whoever was around me. While I knew that this was not normal for me, I had no idea what or where this was coming from. What I did know was that my children were suffering, my partner was suffering, I was suffering. And actually underneath it all, there was a niggling feeling that I knew the answer. But yet know how to articulate it.
This went on for several months. The overwhelm, overreaction, the feeling that started in my toes. And worked its way up my body in waves of heat. Slowly creeping up in waves. An overwhelming need to release. To scream, to cry to react, to collapse.
I was living in a terror that had no basis in reality. A terror with no relief. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t functioning except to perform what was necessary; children, food, clothes.
Something had to give.
Then, a pivotal moment. An epiphany. It was 4 am I was laying in my bed, curled in the fetal position. Light on. Just my children and the dog in the house with me. Only a few days before I had a complete meltdown and declared to my husband that I had made the wrong choice. I didn’t want to be here. I should have stayed dead. I wanted the joy and euphoria of those early days back. I thought the only way was to go back to that place. That elusive ‘other side’. In that curled up position on my bed, I suddenly remembered something. Something important. Something that had been on the edge of the terror. Something I had forgotten in those dark months. Something I clearly remembered during the time it all kicked off. I remembered Choice. I have a choice.
I started with that. Slowly, I made myself remember. I made myself choose. But it was more than that. It was making the choice between what thoughts I was thinking. What thoughts I was believing. During my Dark Night, I was believing the fear thoughts. I was believing in separation. I was believing in my fear. I’d made those thoughts my reality. And in turn, they perpetuated my overwhelm and overreaction. They drove a wedge between what was actually real and what I had made real.
I began to question. I began to observe. I began to pay attention. I found that my thoughts, my mind had complete control over me. Whatever it could think up based on previous experience, I believed. I made the crazy stuff, the terrifying stuff more real than what was in front of me. I had created a world of fear that acted and reacted according to whatever fear thought I was running at the time.
I came to understand my anxiety-ridden world was one of my own creation. As I stood aside and looked in, I saw a world of fear, torment, and panic. I will go back a little to a vision I was given as I lay bleeding. I saw my life as I had been living it as one of apocalyptic proportions. Is this how I wanted to continue? War, fear, terror. Or would I accept the offer to leave my body? Die? It was just a spilt-second look into what my life had been so far, only I hadn’t noticed that.
So I chose. Again and again. Observing, listening, watching, accepting, acknowledging. I did not judge or blame myself. I was compassionate and noticed. Just noticed thoughts. They came less and less. Until I no longer fought with myself. Until I just love and accepted myself. Until I just was. Starting the tell the truth, not simply stating how the truth showed up for me. I started to pause and make space before I spoke to ensure THE truth came out. I examined first what I was about to say. I noticed the tendency towards stories and halted them, with kindness, before I spoke. I told my family what was happening to me and when things felt a little out of control. I kept it real for them and they accepted what I was going through.
I began to bring myself back to alignment. I set myself free. I created space between thought and action. I opened my heart. I listened.
I choose love. Again and again.
Sharna Jay an Intuitive Guide, sacred jewellery creator, mentor of self worth and awareness and history buff. I weave a story of the Whole self – present self, past life selves, ancestral self… into all my Service. We draw from all the patterns around us. And it is within this acknowledgement that we find ourselves, come to know ourselves, accept ourselves. I am a realist, a pursuer of deep connection, a lover of the vast Universe and daughter of the Goddess Consciousness. I would love to serve the woman who is ready to go deep, get real and get whole.
Dr Ricci-Jane Adams is the principal of the Institute for Intuitive Intelligence, a world-class, global professional intuition training school. She trains exceptional spiritual women as new paradigm priestesses, socially conscious leaders and profound mystics. Ricci-Jane is the author of bestselling Spiritually Fierce, as well as Intuitive Intelligence Training and the forthcoming Superconscious Intuition. Ricci-Jane has a doctorate from the University of Melbourne in magical realism. She has spent over twenty-five years devoted to her spiritual awakening and is a qualified Transpersonal Counsellor. Subscribe to the Mailing List